Commit

Official enrolled. School email, username, money paid in. Orientation scheduled, planning, research. Not even a bit committed. What should be so certain is the exact opposite: none of this feels real. My second option has yet to appear, and I'm still grasping at faint hopes of something better (such an inopportune word, better). Ever so slowly, the selfishness sets in. Money offered, and I'm turning my nose up at something that would make my family feel a lot better. I don't know if I can make that choice, should I have the opportunity to go somewhere else. I'm scheduled to go to orientation in a few weeks, meet people, sign up for classes. I'll be going in not committed, waiting for a loophole to determine my fate. It's the worst kind of helpless.

Drained

Two papers, one job, a thousand words I won't be speaking tomorrow.
Six classes, two thousand meters, too many people I encounter.
Is it bad I don't have the capacity to deal with Day of Silence right now?
Too many things pile up (even worse, beyond my control) and I can't move beneath the mental weight of decisions that change my outcomes and relationships.
Two weeks, two papers, one memorial service: the worst possible time for everything to come together.
Mental bills pile up: I'm sure they'll be collecting at some point.
Fuck.

These Days

Spring break saps the motivation from my limbs. Time moves at a slower pace (or so it seems), allowing me the gift of a whole book in a day, devoured slowly over many hours. It's been a while since I read for pleasure. Long bus rides make knitting a necessity, and a whole pair of socks sits ninety nine percent completed in my knitting bag. College decisions happened, and still, I'm stuck in limbo. Waitlists happen. With two full days left of pure free time, I'm starting to feel the clouds of doubt descend. Work, this break, has simply... passed me by. A paycheck came for me in the mail today, and I simply read the number and set it aside. I take my job for granted, these days. Even heavy chains of potential probation don't seem to drag me down. These days, I'm floating, and I'm not sure how to come back down. Apathy has set in, and the only things I feel passionate about are those the larger world says don't matter, or those I do on my own time. College has never seemed so far off.

Random Bits (My Day)

Last night: a random Target shopping cart, probably stolen and dumped, standing forlornly on the corner of a dark and rainy street. My dog sniffed it suspiciously.

Today: the unexpected surprise of early dismissal from practice, and then the complete letdown caused by a huge traffic jam of unknown origins. The firetrucks didn't seem in any hurry.

The Wasteland: phenomenal. Layers upon layers of words and meanings, waiting to be picked apart: the ultimate cake. Delicious.

Unexpected depth: velvet sky turned liquid, the moon suddenly giving light to thousands of unseen miles between Here and There.

Morning tea: arrived on the doorstep sometime during the night, heaven in a cardboard box. Perfect.

Lovely: a meeting of the minds, beyond class, of books and the power of wishlists. These things should happen more often.

Overall: fueled by caffeine, in the best way possible. Amen.

Creative Writing

Creative writing. Is it an oxymoron? "Creative" implies making something new, and "writing" is the act of putting thoughts on paper (or in this case, on a computer screen). If all thoughts are new and different, isn't all writing creative? It's a conundrum.

School is starting to finish up, and with it English class. We've covered a variety of material this year, from Lillian Hellman's plays to personal essays and The Great Gatsby. These are classified as different genres- being plays, poetry, novel, personal essay, etc. But under the banner of creative writing, things get murky. Is creative writing based on ideas, or fact? Can an essay on Andrew Jackson be called creative? Is a play written in iambic pentameter creative, as Shakespeare took this style and made it his own? These questions must be considered, especially by English teachers.

For example, when our class was covering personal essays, we wrote our own personal at the end of the unit. I was all set for a great project, until I found out we had requirements. We had to base our essays off of quotes from the essays we had read. This made me think: is it creative writing anymore when there is a structure and required elements? If one were to design a creative writing course, would it be purely based off of things in the heads of the students, or would it have structure and regurgitation of other ideas? The questions are not easily answerable, but they are certainly something to ponder.

On Being Part of A Team

When I say "I row crew", the responses are usually:
1) Are you crazy?
2) Wow, that's intense.
3) What's crew?

So, to answer: yes, yes, and crew is rowing: fast, hard, and intensely (yes, this is grammatically correct- I checked). It's a completely crazy, hard, fun, passionate, team sport. It's also full body and will put you in the best shape you'll ever be in. Trust me on this. It's also the most intense team sport I've ever encountered. Each and every person has to give their all- when someone takes an off stroke in the boat, it's that much more work for everyone else. If someone doesn't lift the boat up, the other people have to take more weight. If you don't respect the coxswain, you'll crash.

For me, being on a team is a new thing. I've never been into the "team sport" thing, mostly because I've never liked the sports involved. I tried- and rejected- soccer, tennis, swimming, basketball, track, field hockey, and softball. I chose instead horseback riding, which is an individual sport on a very individual level. Crew, on the other hand, is something I'm fairly good at and a team sport, something previously unexpected for me. So far, it's working out, and I love it.

Time Is Stretchy?

Chemistry class:
I look at the clock. We've taken two pages of notes, and it feels like our hour-long period should be almost over. Lies. It's only been seventeen minutes. Class drags on forever, at least two hours by my internal clock, but the outer clock says it's only been an hour. How is this possible?

Spanish class:
A class I usually do not enjoy. The teacher is usually late, and today is no different. My internal clock is set to accommodate that. We're rolling right along, going through the homework, and I glance at the clock, thinking that it's been about fifteen minutes. Surprise surprise! It's been more than a half an hour! In a class that usually drags! Will wonders never cease.

Time is stretchy. That is my theory, stolen from Terry Pratchett. If you want to know more, read Thief of Time. It's an amazingly mind bending book, with monks, time travel, the Death of Rats, and Death's granddaughter (named Susan, thank you very much.) Oh yes, and a flying horse named Binky (owner: Death).

On Persevering

I'm a quitter. I'll say that right out. If I don't have to do something, I won't do it. If it gets hard I'd much rather stop and go around or avoid it than keep going. Maybe that's why crew is good for me. My coach is a right pain in the ass, but he keeps me from quitting. I hate him (with a fiery burning passion), and I hate winter crew, but I'm persevering for purposes of being out on the water in the spring. For me this is a big gamble, because then I'd have to basically give up riding. And that would be quitting in and of itself, because I've been working so hard to finally get back in riding shape and get over my fear of falling off. So it's a dilemma, to say the least.

I'm not sure what I'll do, but either way I know I won't be quitting. I'll find a way to make it work. Perseverance is the key.

An Essay from English Class

Terry Pratchett changed my life. This assumption may or may not be an exaggeration, but it is true. For those who don’t know, Terry Pratchett is the extremely successful British author of the Discworld series and other assorted books, over 30 in all. If you were to go into a bookstore, Pratchett novels would be shelved under “Sci/Fi- Fantasy”. However, his books are so much more than fantasy, or even science fiction. They are reflections on life as we know it: satirical, humorous, but ultimately about the human condition and how humans live and die.            I do not think there is a single book in the Discworld series in which the character Death does not appear. He’s a fairy obvious sort of person: tall, skeletal, black robe, scythe, white horse (called Binky, in case you’re wondering). He typically appears doing what Death does: escorting the dead over to the “other side”, but he also has his own trials and errors. When I first started reading Discworld books, Death as a character intrigued me. He was so… human. When characters (dead or alive) encountered him, they seemed unfazed by his presence. This portrayal of death as a personification rather than a blind force really changed my outlook on life and death.One of the themes that run through most Pratchett novels is the fact that death comes to us all, or life is terminal. Before I started reading Terry Pratchett, death was a sort of abstract idea for me. I have never experienced the death of a close friend or family member, eventually death will come to someone I love. I know that when that time comes, it will seem horribly unfair and sad, but at the same time I know I won’t be able to do anything about it because of one simple fact I’ve learned: death doesn’t chose who lives and who dies. That idea is where Terry Pratchett comes in. In his books, there is death (lower case) and Death (upper case). Lower case death is the actually dying part. Upper case Death is there to sever the soul from this world and sent it on its way.  The blind force of death just happens, while the personification of Death is there to make sure that the action of dying actually occurs. The underlying moral is that death happens to everyone, and there’s no use fighting it because in the end, Death always wins.The idea of Death and death may seem very strange and cynical, but to me it makes a lot of sense. Of course, it may make sense because I’ve never encountered death personally. Personal experience in this department is somewhat lacking for most people, and once they’ve encountered it, they are not exactly in a position to relate their experiences. Eventually Death will visit everyone, because everyone starts to die as soon as they begin to live. However, this eventuality does not mean we should be afraid. As Seneca said, “The man, though, whom you should admire and imitate, is the one who finds it a joy to live and in spite of that is not reluctant to die. . .” Terry Pratchett, though he was born centuries after Seneca died, conveys the same basic idea. His characters walk with Death every day: policemen, kings, wizards, swindlers, witches, musicians, orangutans, trolls, dwarves and everything in between. Each one lives with the idea of Death (some even see or talk to him on occasion), but also without the fear of dying.As a character, Death does not begrudge the living. As an idea, death cannot change how you live your life. It can only end it. The best we can all do as humans is to accept the fact that death happens to every single living soul. If death didn’t happen, there would be no such thing as life, because without life there would be no death. They are polar opposites, but clearly so intertwined and fundamental that one cannot happen without the other. Terry Pratchett offered that idea to me, the same idea that has filtered down through the centuries, since the beginning of time. And since the beginning of time, humans have pulled through and continued living joyously. Despite death, happiness and life still, and will, exist until the end of time. All we can do, here and now, is keep the trend going and live life to the fullest. 

Studying

Why is it so hard? I've got exams tomorrow, and I even got an extra day to study because school canceled today. So why can't I concentrate? Distractions abound. Here's a list:

1. Knitting- I've been coveting Blue Moon Fiber Arts sock yarn, and I can't get enough of Ravelry. Also, I've got a lovely cabled hat pattern that's very distracting...
2. The Internet- self explainatory
3. Inside my head- last night I had a really serious conversation with someone close to me, and the result of that has got my head spinning in circles. 
4. Lack of exercise- when I don't get out of the house, hyperness ensues.

At least my English exam will be easy tomorrow. Surprisingly (according to my English teacher) , I'm pretty bad at grammar. This fact interests me greatly because when I write, I don't really have issues with grammar. It's a conundrum. Math, on the other hand, is going to be a nightmare. Too many theorems, not enough numbers. We'll see how that goes.

On top of all that, there's ice all over the place, which doesn't help the general atmosphere, and my brother is sick. So I'm stuck trying to avoid contagion and ice. And insanity, but everyone knows that's catching.