Monday, December 31, 2012

Hard Comfort (or New Year's Resolutions)

Do I believe in New Year's resolutions? They're hard: hard to say, harder even to contemplated, hardest to go through with. I don't know what I'd resolve; probably to procrastinate less, work out more, get things done, all the normal things I see so many people try and do every day. I have no idea if I have the willpower to go through with even one bit of those huge ideas. Change is hard, really hard, harder than I'd like to admit on a daily basis. It's so easy (too easy) to go with the flow, keep up with the old routines, sink softly into the comfort of everyday existence. Comfort feels right. It's not always the best choice, and that scares me. Change scares me more than almost anything. When I think about the future, about going off to college, it seems so big and uncertain. It's hard to imagine living without my family, considering fending for myself in the real world, not having a safety net. My mind has a hard time processing that I'm four years away from The Real World.
Taxes and jobs and oh my god dating and spouses and no not ever having kids and living somewhere that
I only hope I can do what feels right, what I know to be good for me and my life. I hope to do what I love, what makes me happy. I can't imagine being stuck in a dead end job, the proverbial cubicle, purgatory. I want to write, make drinks for people, share the love. I want to be Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett and Anne Hathaway and that guy I just read about in Dwell Magazine and every single hipster chef/farmer ever all rolled into one. I want to wear clothes that I like and feel good and dye my hair and knit crazy socks and grow my own food and cook and make music and beautiful things. This is what I choose
It's not always the big things that matter. Keep telling yourself that, kid. Maybe it'll work out. Happy New Year to me!

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